Why is the Song, Loser , Running Through My Mind?

Soy un perdedor.... I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me.... Well, you all get the idea....

So, missed my out date on Raskin’s Wings and the first word I could think of starts with a big fat F....

Not that one... well, okay, that one, too.

Failure: Breakfast of Champions

January was like a friggin’ brick wall for me... I swear it was. Every time I thought I was making progress some other stupid thing took my attention away from where it needed to be...

In the last few weeks I’ve run across posts by other writers, such as Tena’s fond farewell at In Her Write Mind, telling us that blogging was getting in the way of her work and so, she’ll be back but not until the work is done...

Josephine has been covering her meeting with uber agent, Donald Maass (cue choirs of angels singing), and her first post made me giddy... for a second, and then I realized, yes, this blogging thing really does scratch my itch... worse still, I’m not even under the delusion that this blog will be adequate platform to attract readers – if I thought that, I’d watch my mouth a lot more.

I could give you a list of reasons why the novel is not complete... I have them, believe me, and yet, I fit in time to puts around on the computer... so obviously, I was not so busy that I couldn’t have done it, or at least done more. And yeah, I did a few productive writing things this month. I submitted my pitch, jacket copy, etc for Moonrat’s awesome contest, which brings me one step closer to query ready.... I sent out two things on submission.... I put myself out there a bit more than I was... but the novel is not done and that was the priority...

(Pssst.... are any of you worried that I’m calling it quits?) I’m not. Can’t do it – I’ve gained far more from blogging than any other avenue of writing improvement, so no, I’m not calling it quits. I’m not even calling it hiatus, though I probably should. I stayed largely away from blogland this week and did a bit more writing and a lot of soul searching.... I abstained from Nathan’s Attempt To Bring Down Blogger, for God’s sake, I must have been serious... By the way, I missed most of the whole anonymice sniping about critique over there, but I still think Josie, JJdebenedictis, and a few other selfless writers from that thread should get standing ovations and bloggy kudos just for the effort. I know Josie was a bit miffed by the results there – but, for what’s it’s worth, most of the commentary I read was posted by people who wanted and appreciated the effort.... (okay, caught me... I read it, but I didn’t comment and return a million times)

The other thing I did this week was run across an old friend at myspace. How that happened I have no idea, but he was about my favorite person in the world back when I was twenty... we exchanged a few emails and the like and all of that’s nice, but what it really did was remind me of me at twenty... (gee, a little narcissistic, am I?) I should re-phrase this in case he’s reading, a side effect of talking to him again was being reminded of myself at twenty – I’m very happy we touched base in the here and now. Anyhoo....

At twenty, I thought I knew everything... now I realize that I know very little in the grand scheme of things.

At twenty, I used to say, ‘I just want to be worshipped, is that too much to ask?’ – I was only half kidding... now I think that would just be creepy... *shivers*

At twenty, I wanted to be a writer... never with grand plans of million dollar advances and legions of fans, I just saw this great future where my days were spent at my word processor (see how friggin’ long ago that was?) and afternoons or evenings out with friends... I’d have time in the day to drink coffee and read at my favorite place (I had one of those in my head, too) and I’d make up for it with long sessions of writing through the night......

I still have that last one – that’s why it sprang so readily to mind... at twenty I knew I wanted a family, but it was an abstract thought and not a reality in my little ‘I’m going to write for a living even if I have to live on saltines’ fantasy... they are obviously a part of the equation now and don’t really allow time for afternoon coffees, or writing through nights without payback the next day... but still, it’s largely the same in my little noggin and I think I owe it to myself, nearly fifteen years later than I thought, to really aim, really give it a shot.

Failure is not a problem. Failure does one of two things – it either makes you stronger or it defeats you... I’m not the second one. I know I’m not, I just don’t have it in me to lie down. I’ve made a lot of great progress over the last fifteen years, in my life and in my writing... if I hadn’t started my family over ten years ago, well, I wouldn’t be here – in any sense, I wouldn’t be able to write with the depth I’ve attained through my own experiences... it’s not the only way to achieve depth, but it’s not a part of the journey I’d give up... it’s also a path that makes the writing harder.... for a bevy of reasons that any working mother can explain.... add to it the fact that there’s no guaranteed paycheck and you have a job no one else takes seriously on top of everything else... Will that make me quit? No. I told you earlier, I’m not a quitter... this year is starting really rocky for me, it’s been a rough few, and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to give this my full effort without going back into the workforce for the paycheck... because that’s a consideration, too...

But whatever else happens, I’ll finish this one and I’ll start on the next... now’s the time to do it in earnest... so I just wanted to let you guys know, I haven’t abandoned blogland... I will be around, if less frequently... I will post, when I can get to it.... I’m still here – just a bit quieter.

Okie-dokie.... if you made it all the way to the end of this long and rambling little purging of mine, thanks for the ear... keep up the hard work, and I’ll stop in to visit when I can.... Take care guys.......