Dear Mr. Anonymous,
It has recently come to my attention that you have built an unmistakable presence in blogging and cyber communities. Of course, it must be said that your voracious wit and charm is not to be believed! Where once you contented yourself with poison pen letters and nervously scrawled notes to the principal while hiding in nearby lockers, now you’ve bloomed to the open stage of literary viewers both large and small.
In recent weeks I’ve seen your, oh so unique, comments on agent blogs and author’s sites... Oh, and how I applaud your forthright diatribes, smearing of the commenters and blog authors alike, knowing full well that signing your name as you have may lead to irreparable damage to your reputation. We all know that these criticisms are sincere and not inspired by some secret rejection or cynical alienation from the community to which you condemn... Of course not. And your prose are so very prolific... the deigning of all agent blog readers as grovelers, the verbal abuse of all (insert faith here), the carefully chosen cuss words for widows and orphans... and, let us not forget, your intellectually stimulating additions to all chat boards discussing Britney Spears and Paris Hilton... yes, yes, all you, my dear anonymous... we can tell that no one has taken your identity fraudulently, for your voice has about it the same characteristic intelligence in each of your signed entries....
I admire your zest for words and never was a writer so prolific. In political discussions, you are there! To skewer each side with illogical reasoning and never cower from the light of day; not you, brave anonymous... a hero among men... In professional arenas you wound with wit and occasional bloodthirsty threats... how invigorating. Though some believe your moniker to be the assumed name of a snot nosed band geek at home on Friday night... I know better. For you are the judgment to which we all should aspire and your carefully placed comments, so strategic in forcing actual participants to weed through your views before being allowed to continue the discussion... well, sheer genius as we all know and of course your opinion has far more weight in our meandering minds than those whose credentials claim expertise.
Wherever there is gratuitous profanity and skillfully wielded slander for no apparent reason, you’ll be there. And for that I salute you... I shall leave you to guess with which finger.
Yor N. Ass
Well, can you tell I'm feeling a bit grinchy tonight? I've been annoyed a few too many times by anonymous posters at really fantastic discussions and decided to have some fun with it in writing... Consider this a sarcastic little gift from me. Feel free to copy any and all parts of this letter for your own blog, or in answer to anonymous trolls what annoy you... Merry Christmas!