Monday, August 10, 2009

The Ultimate Swear Word

About a year or so ago, my littlest guy came running up to me and snitched out his friend.

Littlest guy: He said a bad word.

Me: What word did he say?

Littlest guy: The “C” word.

That thud you just heard was my heart dropping to the floor at the same time my blood pressure went through the roof... not an easy feat, I assure you. I mean, I swear like a truck driver... and that’s actually defamatory to truck drivers, most of them would blush at my more heated tirades... but my kids haven’t heard that word from me. So, I asked the only question I could think of, before hyperventilating.

Me: What “C” word?

Littlest guy’s eyes widened. He stifled a giggle at the thought of being able to curse without getting punished and his voice came out in a whooping whisper – if you can imagine such a thing.

Littlest guy: Crap.

Relief was so quick and so sure that I wasn’t thinking. I let out a huge sigh and said:

“Oh, well, that’s okay then...”

Unfortunately, my daughter was in the room for this little slip in sanity...

Daughter: Wait a second... what “C” word were you thinking of?

Now, like I said, this happened some time ago. I thought the whole discussion was buried and forgotten. We were driving home from the pool and my kids were having some sort of a conversation in the back of the van. Honestly, I wasn’t paying that much attention. I was busy working out the details of a scene in my mind... on my more lenient days, I call this multitasking, but honestly it’s bad parenting... well, not bad as in totally neglectful, but I do spend an inordinate amount of time in my head, even when I’m physically present... the end of the conversation, however, jolted me right back to reality.

Oldest son: I’m going to find out what it is. I have to know (add dramatic movie voice) The Ultimate Swear Word.

Daughter: I don’t know what it is, but I know it starts with a “C”.

Oldest Son: When did mom say we were allowed to know what the word is?

Daughter: (Rolling her eyes) She said, when we’re forty.

Littlest Guy: Forty!!! When we’re forty? That’s a trick – she’ll be dead by then.

So, one might ask, what’s the point of this post? Nothing really, I just thought it was funny. Oh, and I’m back... How’s your summer going? Updates anyone?


moonrat said...

oh man. ouch. hahahahahaha.

Merry Monteleone said...

Hey Moonie,

Let's just hope my 7 year old isn't prophetic :-)

Great to see you - hope your summer's going well.

jjdebenedictis said...

One thing that's odd to wrap your head around is that the 'other' C word is not considered a particularly nasty word in the British isles. A bit like calling someone a 'dick' isn't considered so bad in North America.

The ultimate swear word. It's all relative.

Stephen Parrish said...

Tell them the word that starts with C is "coochie."

Gary Corby said...

Hi Merry, good to see you again.

My Miss 10 picked up one of our grown up books the other day, read a page and quickly put it down. Most unlike her.

"What's wrong?"
"It had the F-word."

Precie said...

LMAO! Smart girl. Doesn't miss a thing, I'm sure!

Welcome back! Missed you! I hope everything is going well!

Merry Monteleone said...


Hand slap to forehead - I forgot to mail your book! I'll grab an envelope today and mail it out tomorrow, so sorry.

It is funny what insults and words are considered extreme... I think it has more to do with the intent than the word most times.

Hi Stephen,

Isn't that the same thing?

Hi Gary,

Good to see you, too. When is your book coming out - definitely one I want to mark down on my calendar.

And your 10 year old sounds awesome - my 11 year old would keep reading just because there was an f-word in there :-)

Hi Precie,

Everything's going pretty well right now. I needed the hiatus to get my head on straight and get in more writing... but I have to say, I miss blogging when I'm away that long. I think it's a matter of giving myself a schedule so I don't wind up puttering online instead of working :-)

Aniket said...


They sure pick up things fast don't they? Nothing escapes them. I think you'll be content if they make it to 20 without knowing it. :)

Merry Monteleone said...

Hi Aniket!

Oh, I think they'll know the word before they hit twenty, I'm just hoping they keep their sophisticated knowledge from me :-)

Erica Orloff said...

OMG . . . this is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!

Merry Monteleone said...

Thanks, Erica.

Though I really can't take much credit - I just copied their actual conversations, mostly... and yeah, my kids crack me up all the time.

Colleen_Katana said...

Oh man, I love this! Seriously though, be careful what you tell your kids...even trying to protect them. When I was little (like 5 or 6 years old), my family (keep in mind my siblings were like a decade older than me) was talking about the HIV virus and how some pizza guy ::ehem:: on a pizza when he was HIV Positive.

Very innocently I asked what ::ehem:: meant. My parents told me he peed. That's what he did on the pizza that spread the HIV virus. So...for most of my adolescence and pretty much through until college, I was convinced that HIV and AIDS was spread through urine. I was so freaked out by public bathrooms and my parents never understood why until when I was 17 I mentioned that story to them.

Clearly, the public schools did not do a good job teaching sex ed.

Hmmm....this should be a blog post in itself. Thanks for the story idea, Merry!