Tuesday, October 28, 2008

FUN WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSION

My computer is almost two years old. I like it. I bought it with money I earned through freelance writing, which was a big thing for me – making enough money through writing to buy a big ticket item... I also bought my desk, so I basically funded my writing through my writing. I know this might seem insignificant to some people, but I have been a stay at home mom since I was twenty four... I was in fiction writing courses for the year prior to having my daughter, so my last paycheck, with my own little name on it, on any regular basis prior to my little writing money was when I was twenty three years old... that’s flippin’ eons ago... and it kind of wears on you to have so much responsibility and yet have such diminished freedom.

The keyboard I use is the one that came with the computer... I bought a separate printer and flat screen monitor, but the keyboard, I didn’t really care... just whatever’s clever, it wasn’t a big deal.

Now, I type quite a lot. Don’t we all? More so than non-writers anyway, and most of the people in my real world are non-writers. So the letters have worn off some of the oft-used keys on this keyboard... Personally I think it’s because it’s a cheap one... either that or the oil in my skin is acidic... but, if you sat down at my keyboard, you’d notice that A, S, D, E, L, N, M, C, and R are missing... K is about half gone... the arrow keys are hanging on by a thread.

I learned how to type when I was nine. I don’t look at the damn keys. Not even when I’m using the numbers... I barely glance at them ever, to be honest, so this absence of the alphabet troubles me not at all.

My husband sat down at my computer the other day and got so frustrated after two minutes he had to walk away. Couldn’t even compose a small response email. Looked at me like I was a nitwit to keep such a broken down keyboard. Even offered to get me a new one, which I declined.

My daughter asked to use my computer to work on a site they recommend at school... She’s a little more hard-headed than the husband type person, it took her five minutes to get frustrated enough to vacate the desk. The boys won’t even touch it. Mom’s computer is a broken down mess. They want the one in the family room... which means they have to share it with dad, or more accurately, dad has to wait until they’re busy with homework or in bed to check his football scores and surf for porn.

So, as I sit here running my acidic fingers across my broken down little keyboard, I can’t help but smile. How long do you think it’ll take him to figure out why I won’t buy a better keyboard? I’m thinking I can milk the ‘I’m sentimental... and I bought it myself’ thing for a while longer... though you’d think he’d know I’m not sentimental after 11 years of marriage... ah well, that’s what he gets for not paying attention.

11 comments:

Stephen Parrish said...

Maybe something like this would work too. It just needs to detect "spouse-like typing."

Travis Erwin said...

Has anyone ever called you a conniver?

Merry Monteleone said...

Hi Stephen,

Well, the husband type person is an AV and computer tech, and I'm pretty sure he'd be annoyed by the 'anti-husband' program I installed into my computer... and then he'd without tech services, which is no good for a non-techie person like myself.

Hey Travis,

My mother, actually. But then again, she says that with pride, and you should hear some of her scams... I could never compete.

Aerin said...

My mum has been having this problem with my dad & brother - I will recommend she start rubbing the letters off her keys.

Seriously, you should write a book about conniving schemes....

Merry Monteleone said...

Hey Aerin,

Well, I didn't rub the letters off on purpose, maybe a little terpentine would work, though?

A book, huh? Let's brainstorm titles:

How to Outwit People and Escape Belligerence

Conniving 101 - All the Cool Kids are Doing It

Who? Me? (this one only works if the cover art model has large puppy dog eyes and an innocent smile)

Precie said...

LMAO!!!!!

sidenote: Still no word from WOW. I fantasize that the guest judge can't choose which of our two submissions should place first so she's trying to convince WOW to let her give two 1st place awards. :)

hmm...word verification: quert (as in qwerty keyboard).

Precie said...

Actually, copious amounts of hand lotion help rub off letters...one of my coworkers was a little OCD about keeping her hands lotioned...letters came off within a year.

Colleen_Katana said...

Ahahaha. Surf for porn. Gotta love men!

Merry Monteleone said...

I fantasize that the guest judge can't choose which of our two submissions should place first so she's trying to convince WOW to let her give two 1st place awards. :)

And you thought I was optimistic - I may have to borrow that fantasy, Precie.

And, yay, now I know that I can be conniving and soft and supple...

Hey Colleen,

I don't know... sometimes I think life would be a lot simpler if I could just dig chicks...

jerseygirl89 said...

You are a genius. My computer is in a fairly uncomfortable spot - which works, but of course it means that I'm uncomfortable too.

Merry Monteleone said...

Hey Jersey,

Precie says lots of hand lotion works... good luck!